baby registry: Baby registry is a no-no

Darcey Smart, Weekend Post
Published: Saturday, July 15, 2006
Dear Ms. Smart,

I would like some etiquette advice regarding baby gifts and the timing (before or after baby's arrival) of baby showers. I know several expectant mothers and am an "expectant grandmother" myself. I have always given a fairly standard gift -- a nursery CD or toddler flatware place setting -- and these gifts have been well received. I know that some expectant couples now register their baby at one or more retail outlets. That's definitely not the way I want to go about selecting a gift.

Granny To Be

Dear Granny To Be,

It's now commonplace to find close relatives hosting baby showers, whereas in the past that would have been considered in bad taste. I don't see this development as an issue, but I do find the baby-registry custom misguided. If close relatives want to give an expensive gift, that's fine, but gifts such as the ones you describe are more appropriate at a shower.

Baby showers usually take place before the birth when Mom and Dad are still bright-eyed. However, in the Jewish tradition, gifts are not given until the baby has arrived. If you plan to give a gift but also want to take a peek at the new baby, save your gift for the visit but send a card as soon as the birth is announced. And be a saint by celebrating second and third babies in the same style you did their predecessors.

Dear Ms. Smart,

Several months ago, new owners moved into the other side of our semi-detached. They play their music loud and we have asked them several times to turn it down. They agree at the time but seem to forget almost immediately. Last Saturday night they had a big party. The loud music started after we'd retired and went on till 5 a.m. I couldn't face getting out of bed and going over to confront them. Next time this happens, I'm going to call the police without any preliminaries. My husband doesn't agree but, at the same time, he won't do anything. What should I do?

All Through The Night

Dear All Through The Night,

Your plan of action will only exacerbate the situation. Talk to your neighbours again, no matter how reluctant you are to do so. Explain how their last party affected your household. Invite them to participate with you in mediation (offered at community centres free of charge) to find common ground and set mutually agreed-upon rules. Springing a visit from the police on your neighbours would be a giant step beyond counterproductive.

Dear Ms. Smart,

My 23-year-old daughter lives in our basement and comes and goes regularly with and without her boyfriend, whom we like. One night when she was out with friends, he phoned and asked me to leave her door open because he was coming over with a surprise for her. I said OK, but then thought perhaps she didn't want any surprises or even to see him that night. I did what he asked, but did I let her down? Nothing untoward happened, but what should I have done?

Mummy Puzzled

Dear Mummy Puzzled,

If your daughter was comfortable with having him enter her apartment at will, she would have given him a key. With questions running through your head, it might have been wiser to risk hurting his feelings and just say no.

- Please send your most vexing social, ethical and etiquette-related dilemmas to weekendpost@ nationalpost.com.

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